


Don't Spank the Monkey

by Fides



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Case Fic, Flash Fic, Gen, Humour, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, mmom, mmom 2008, mmom 2008: day 21
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-21
Updated: 2008-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-03 01:38:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fides/pseuds/Fides
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>House tells Wilson about his latest case.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Spank the Monkey

"Wait," Wilson pulled up short, "You are trying to tell me that your patient caught an STD by masturbating!"

"I know. Disturbing thought isn't it. All that personal time you spent with little 'Jimmy' and now it's all 'No glove, no self-love.' Although since the cercopithecine herpesvirus is pretty exclusively found in Macaque monkeys, possibly it's for the best. Donkey shows are one thing but a man and a primate would just be disgusting."

Wilson blinked a few times, checking that reality had not in fact shifted. "Leaving aside the more disturbing points of what you just said, of which there were many, how did it happen?"

"Normal story. Guy works in a specialist imports warehouse. Shipment of Macaques comes through and he goes to share his lunch with the cute little guys before they get dissected for spare parts. Decides he needs to relax before a strenuous afternoon doing paperwork and I think we all know what happened after that. Still, he washed his hands afterwards."

"You're having me on, House."

"No," House denied,"when I told you Cuddy used to be a man, I was having you on. If I'd told you she was rescued from the circus by PETA, it would have been different."

He started walking again and Wilson followed out of some combination of curiosity and dread.

"So where are you going?"

"Take the latest result to my team. Mom gets mean when I don't play with the other children."

Wilson rolled his eyes.

"I assume you already began treatment," he asked.

House gave him a condescending look.

"I want to see which one of them comes up with it first. I'm betting Kutner. He's into that sci-fi stuff and they are all about the sex with non-human creatures."

Wilson thought about that for a moment. "Taub," he said at last, "known philanderers know about STDs."

House stuck out his hand, "You're on."

As it happened they were both wrong.


End file.
